Staggered Hearts
by MegabyteSparkletron
Summary: Lily Evans/James Potter scenes from their 5th year and up at Hogwarts. Mostly cannon, but I took some liberties (my apologies to J.K. Rowling) to make it flow.
1. I dare you

It actually started off as a joke. It was 5th year and everyone had just arrived at Hogwarts from the summer. After the feast, the marauders were up in their dorm talking about what girls became hot and planning their next prank.  
>"You know who isn't hideous," James said, suddenly, in between talking about the purple slime or dungbombs they could plant. "Evans." The other three boys grew momentarily silent until Sirius broke down into laughter. James threw a pillow at him. "What?"<p>

"Caught the scent of the flower, have you, Prongs?"

"Of course not. I'm just saying. She doesn't look so much like...oh...like a red haired string bean anymore." His face was red, so he looked down at the quaffed that he was absentmindedly twirling in his hand.

"Mhmm." Sirius said, still smiling. Peter tittered along, and Remus cracked a small half smile. "The rest of us noticed years ago," Sirius continued. "You've just been too much of an ass to see anything beyond a girl who's throwing herself at you."

"Pot, cauldron," James retorted.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Ask her out."

"What? No!" James sat up sharply. He'd said she wasn't ugly, nothing past that.

Sirius returned his glare with a smirk. "I dare you." Dares were kind of their thing. It's how they came up with most of the pranks that they pulled. Each of them thought of absurd jokes, and they would dare each other to see who was stupid enough to do it. James and Sirius were always stupid enough. They never turned down a dare.

"Fine." James finally said, grinning confidently. "It's not like she'll say no, anyway. He turned over in his bed, ending the conversation, while the other boys simply stared at him.

"Do you think he's talking about the same Evans?" Peter whispered. The others shrugged.

* * *

><p>That weekend, Lily was reading a muggle book that she'd taken from home beside the lake. She'd asked Severus to come with her, but he'd denied. He'd been stand-offish since they'd been back at school, and Lily noticed the snake tattoo on one of his Slytherin friends' arms. She wasn't sure what to make of him anymore. She heard someone calling her name, and looked up hoping to see Sev, only to find James Potter sauntering her way. She groaned. Loudly.<br>She didn't fight with Potter, exactly. But she didn't appreciate him either. He and his friends, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew, made teasing Sev a kind of sport, and she wouldn't put up with it no matter how stupid her friend was being lately. She didn't say anything until Potter was upon her, looking at her expectantly. "Hi," she said shortly.

"Evans!" Potter said, flopping down beside her without asking if she wanted him there. If he had asked, well she could have come up with some excuse. "I've missed you all summer!" James exclaimed.

Lily couldn't help it. She laughed. "I doubt that," she said. Rumors flew about as frequently as flies around garbage when it came to girls and James Potter.

"It's true!"

"If you say so."

"I do," he said breezily.

She simply nodded and turned her attention back to her book, hoping he would get the hint and leave. She should have known better.  
>He took the book out of her hands. "So, Evans, I thought we could catch up at Hogsmeade next weekend."<p>

"Potter, could I have my book back please?" Lily tried to keep the frustration from her voice, but it wasn't working.

"Not until you say yes," Potter replied.

Lily sighed and put her hand up to her hair, subtly slipping her wand out of where she'd stuck it hastily like a chop stick in her messy bun. "Accio book," she said monotonously, lazily flicking her wand and grabbing the book as it flew to her. She hadn't planned it, but couldn't help the laugh that slipped through her lips when her book slapped Potter in the face, knocking off his glasses in the process. She jumped up while he was preoccupied. "Sorry, Potter," she said trying her hand at an obnoxious smirk like his. "It's a no."


	2. Tiger Lily

**A/N:** 1) I don't own anything. Obviously. 2) The second chapter is a little dry. Sorry. I'm still setting the scene and building characters and whatnot, but I've got the rest of it planned out and it SHOULD be more interesting later.

Reviews are appreciated ;)

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><p>Since the day by the lake, James couldn't stop thinking about Evans. First...well, no one—no girl— ever turned him down! He talked to Sirius and they both figured that she was having a bad day. Maybe James caught her in a mood. So, two weeks passed and James tried again. The marauders watched from behind a wall as James saddled up beside Lily, who was hurrying to class. When she saw him beside her, her step faltered.<p>

"What do you want, Potter?" Her words were biting, but her voice was wary.

"Dinner." James said. "You. Me. Butterbeer, maybe some fire whiskey if you can handle it. A romantic moonlit walk." He gave her the smile he reserved for girls that he charmed. They always seemed to soften around that smile.

"No, thank you." Lily said sternly. She walked a bit faster, but James kept up effortlessly, not bothered by her lack of reaction at the smile.

"Oh, come on Evans! Live a little!" James tried to get a little closer, but Lily had been speeding up and they were practically jogging by now.

"My life is just fine, thanks." Lily stopped suddenly and James overshot, running into a second year Slytherin, who saw who he'd hit and scurried away with a terrified expression on his face. James took the time to roll his eyes at the little runt before turning back to Lily. She was nowhere to be seen. James groaned and made his way back to his friends, who were laughing hysterically.

"Shut up," He said when he got to them. They just shook their heads and laughed louder. James just sighed, thinking that he'd have to step up his game from now on.

* * *

><p>Lily wasn't sure how much more of James Potter she could take. She'd never been his biggest fan, but he just kept getting worse and worse. Within a week, he'd become her least favorite person at Hogwarts. Within three weeks, she knew he wouldn't give up asking her out. She wasn't even sure why he was doing it; he never showed any preference to her before this year. It was quite the opposite, in fact, as she was friends with Sev, who was marginally abused by him and his cohorts. She began to avoid Potter at all costs, but damn, was he persistent. He'd charm her quill to write on her paper independent of her, claiming he wouldn't stop until she went out with him. She hit him with a dizzy hex so subtly that the teachers couldn't even figure out what had happened. He spoke to her suggestively, which made her want to run away, or throw up, or both. But even though she kept rejecting him, or hexing him, the proposals never stopped. She began to walk different routes to class each morning to avoid it. She made Alice and Marlene promise not to tell him where she was, and she tried to stay out of the common room as much as possible.<p>

"This is ridiculous, Lily," Alice said one day. She and Marlene, another Gryffindor, were getting ready to go to the Quidditch match against Slytherin, which was always the most exciting of the year. Normally, Lily would be going with them, but she couldn't stand to be where Potter was. "You can't just organize your life around James Potter."

"I'm doing the opposite of that, actually," Lily said, miffed.

"Not really," Marlene cut in. "You're doing everything you can just to avoid him. I know you want to come to the game today."

"I have homework."

"I'm in the same classes as you," Alice reminded her. "We don't have _that_ much homework." Alice pulled the quill out of Lily's hand and Marlene pulled the book from her lap. They were in the process of forcing her into a Gryffindor scarf when Lily had had enough.

"Alright, stop already!"

"Will you come willingly?"

"Yes, if you promise to stop strangling me!" Marlene and Alice dropped the scarf immediately and backed away with satisfied grins on their faces. Lily groaned, but she had to admit that they were right: She had to deal with him the hard way, not wither in seclusion her whole life.

* * *

><p>The marauders were slacking on their usual pranks. James was usually the planner, but these days, the only things he planned were new ways to ask Lily Evans out. Sirius entered their dorm, only to groan when he saw James sitting on the bed, pondering. It had become a very common pose for him to take these days. James looked up to see Sirius and opened his mouth. "I don't want to hear it," Sirius said before any words could come out of his friend's mouth. "If your next sentence has anything to do with Lily Evans, I swear I'll put a bat bogey hex on you. And then I'll throw you out the window."<p>

James narrowed his eyes. "I was thinking, Padfoot, that we should be planning new pranks."

Sirius grinned. "Prongs! You're back!" Sirius leapt on his best friend's bed. "I thought there would never be another day where I didn't have to hear about you're perfect flower."

"Ugh, Padfoot, with the puns!"

"You know they're my best material," Sirius said.

"That's saying something," James dodged a halfhearted punch that Sirius swung at him. "Now, we're going to Hogsmeade next week, so I was thinking..."

Sirius was ecstatic about the new prank, until James brought up his part. "I was thinking I'll sit this one out," He said. "I think Evans is going, and I'll see if I can catch up to her."

"No. No, no, no. Prongs." Sirius sighed. "I regret the day I ever dared you to ask Lily Evans out. What was I thinking?"

"What?" James seemed dumbfounded.

"Mate, I think you need an intervention." Sirius flopped face down on his own bed. The other two marauders found them like this a few moments later, Sirius unmoving on his bed, wallowing about how wrong the world had become, and James studiously ignoring him while reading up on invisible ink hexes.

* * *

><p>Lily was on her way to her dorm when she came upon a tiger lily that was blooming beautifully. The only issue was that there weren't any tiger lilies at Hogwarts, and flowers didn't tend to bloom in the Gryffindor common rooms. As she stared at the flower, a scroll seemed to pop up from the middle of it, as if blooming itself. Her name was scrawled on the outside of the scroll. Lily had an immediate bad feeling about this, but she took the scroll anyway and opened it up.<p>

"Lily Evans," It read. "Go out with me and I'll show you what else I can do, Love James."

She looked over to see Potter grinning at her from across the common room. She rolled her eyes, threw the note into the fire and walked away, even if she couldn't bring herself to destroy the flower. "Not likely, Potter," she said over her shoulder.

From then on, he called her "Tiger Lily" from time to time. She often wished she could transfigure herself into a tiger and bite his head off. Perhaps that would finally stop him from talking.


	3. Under the Tree

**Disclaimer**: Obviously not J.K. Rowling.

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><p>By the time their OWLs came along, the marauders lost track of how many times James had asked Lily out. They had to imagine at least once per week. And then Remus dared him to do it every day for an entire month before Christmas break. James was persistent and never seemed to mind being turned down much, and besides, he loved the way Evans looked when she was put out. Anyway, the marauders needed something to bide their time while they were thinking up new plots. Eventually James had gotten bored just asking Evans out normally and started getting extremely creative. Once, he'd sent her a Howler to ask her out in the middle of lunch. She started responding alike, charming objects to fly at him, or charming his quill to not work and occasionally throwing minor hexes at him, hoping to discourage him. Lily had learned, however, that James Potter was never discouraged.<p>

After winter break, during one of the Quidditch games he knew she'd been drug to, he'd charmed a firework to spell out "Date me -James" with a shape of a lily behind it. He grinned and looked towards her, while she sat with her head in her hands. "What's it to be, Evans?" He asked when he flew up to her. Lily rolled her eyes at him.

"Ask me one more time, and the sky won't be the only thing that's on fire," Lily replied cheerfully.

* * *

><p>Lily never quite understood why James wouldn't quit asking her out. She knew he went out with other girls, she was sure she didn't want to know what he <em>did <em>with them. She knew he didn't really like _her_, yet he seemed rather surprised every time she turned him down. She thought that yeah, the asking-her-on-dates, it really did annoy her, but as the landscape at Hogwarts grew greener and the end of 5th year approached, Lily reasoned that she'd become so used to it, it was useless to let it bother her. It's not as if asking her out for a joke was harming anyone. So most of the time, Lily attempted to ignore James and his foolishness.

* * *

><p>Lily was happy. She could finally take a weekend to relax after a whole week of OWLs. She had decided that she needed to talk to Severus. They hadn't had a real conversation in weeks, not since Sev had tried to warn her off Potter (like she didn't already know!), but Lily knew Sev would back her up if she needed him. They'd looked out for each other since before Hogwarts.<p>

Lily knew he usually spent his free time under the tree by the lake in between classes, so she was headed in that direction when she heard the cheering. She hurried towards the sound, a curious feeling weighing down her stomach. The first thing she saw was the crowd. It had surged in a circle around a boy below the tree. A boy hanging upside down, from midair. A boy that Lily would recognize anywhere. "Severus!" Lily shouted, but no one heard her. Instead, she heard shouting and cheers of "Snivellous" coming from the crowd.

And then she knew. There were only a few people who really used that name for Sev. She looked around and saw Remus standing apart from his awful friends with a concerned look on his face, and Peter Pettigrew beside him, howling with laughter. "Do something!" She yelled at him, but he just looked at her, apologetically grim. As if this was just a mistake. As if torturing a defenseless boy was just an inconvenience. Lily was furious. She yanked out her wand and shoved her way through the mass of people until she reached the front of it. She took one look at her friend for bravery-to remind her why she was doing this, and turned to Potter and Black, who were laughing and pointing their wands at her friend. "How dare you!" She screamed at them. "James Potter! Sirius Black! Supposedly heroes among men. How does picking on a defenseless boy make you a better person? Put him down! Quit hexing him!"

"I will if you go out with me, Evans," James said, a mix between cheer and menace in his voice.

Speechless with fury, Lily momentarily froze, before gathering her wits. She pointed her wand at Potter. "Expelliarmus!" She yelled, and both James's and Sirius's wands flew from their hands, causing the hex to be released and Sev to fall to the ground with a thump. Lily ran to him to help him up. Black and Potter stopped grinning, and tried to excuse themselves. "You," Lily said coldly, pointing her wand at them again. Normally, she wouldn't dream of actually hexing someone, but she wasn't in the best of mindsets at that moment. "Shut up." She turned back to her friend...who was glaring at her. "Sev," she said, startled at the heat of his stare. "Are you okay?" Her hands went out to help him, but he shoved her away and pushed himself up, unsteadily.

"I don't need help from a filthy mudblood," he murmured. In the clamor of the crowd a few minutes before, the comment would have been a whisper, but in the silence following Lily's outburst, his sentence cracked like a whip. She gasped and jerked backward, as if slapped. Her breath hurt as she processed his words. It sounded like something Lestrange would say. Or Malfoy. Or Bellatrix. But never Sev. And he'd said it as if it cost him nothing. She stood up slowly, shakily, and told herself that she wouldn't cry. Not here with her classmates staring at her in pity and in annoyance. She heard Potter speak up again, trying to defend her to Sev. She turned on him.

"Don't even try, Potter," Lily said. Her voice wasn't as strong as she wanted it to be, but at least it didn't crack. "You're just as bad as he his. As they all are." She didn't have to specify. Potter knew who she was talking about, and she knew that he knew how they treated her. She turned around and started to walk away, but thought better of it for a minute. "And you know what? If I had to choose between dating you and the giant squid, I'd never choose you."

With that, she sped from the lake and barely made it to the Gryffindor common rooms before breaking down. She couldn't help but hear the echo of that horrible word in her footsteps as she ran from the scene. _Mud-blood. Mud-blood._

* * *

><p>James just wanted Moony to shut up. Usually, James's and Sirius's friend never said a word to them about their pranks, but today, he was all 'disappointed', and 'ashamed', and disapproving all over their dormitory. "Moony," Sirius groaned. "Calm down. We were just having a laugh."<p>

James chuckled slightly at the memory of Snape hanging upside down, his robs practically falling off, his trousers riding up, and his skinny pale legs comically bared. And then, he stopped laughing all together as he thought about what had happened afterwards. When Evans had first taken off, it was all Sirius and Peter could do to hold James back from going after Snivellous again. How dare the rat (nothing against Wormtail) call Lily such a terrible thing! They'd convinced him just to leave and go back to the dorms, but he'd snuck an itching hex at Snape before they'd confiscated his wand, making him a bit satisfied, even if he'd wanted to do so much more.

"We've got to get him back," James interrupted Sirius's groaning and Remus's annoyed complaints.

"Get who back for what?" Peter asked from his bed, where he'd been attempting to shut everyone out. Obviously, he was having a hard time of it.

"Snape. For what he said to Evans."

"Prongs, I'm pretty sure you more than got him back for that today," Remus stated.

"Preemptive retribution doesn't count, Moony." James shoved his hand through his hair, trying not to think about the rage on Lily's face when she saw what they'd been doing to Snivellous. It's not like it was without reason, James figured. Snape practically asked to be hexed every day of his life.

"I'm thinking about more than stupid revenge," Remus insisted.

"I think he deserves it," Sirius spoke up.

"What do you mean, Moony?" James responded, ignoring Sirius for the moment.

"I mean I'm thinking about Evans."

"You what?" James was up off of his bed in a second and advancing towards Remus.

"Merlin, Prongs, calm down. I mean, I saw how angry she was at you. Do you really want to damage your chances of getting with Evans more than they already are?" James paused and let Remus's words sink in. Then, unwilling to admit that Remus was right, he grunted gruffly and returned to his bed without a word.

"But we can still prank Snivellous as long as the flower never finds out, yes?" Sirius broke the silence. All three of the other marauders threw pillows at him to shut him up.

* * *

><p>"Let's go, Lil," Marlene McKinnon called to her friend. "You've got to come out sometime."<p>

"I don't have any classes today," Lily responded sullenly.

"You've been wallowing and withering away in here for a week. There's only another week left of school. Plus, all of your friends are worried," Marlene leaned against the door frame in the dormitory that the two girls shared with Alice and the other 5th year girls.

"What friends?" Lily laughed humorlessly. "It's just you and Alice now."

"Yeah, and we're both worried about you, okay?" Marlene sighed, frustrated when Lily didn't respond. "Snape is a dick. He doesn't deserve this response," Marlene shot out darkly.

"Don't talk about him like that!" Lily shot back, her face red and her eyes filling with tears that didn't seem to ever quite leave these days. She wasn't sure why she was so quick to defend Sev; she certainly hadn't forgiven him. "You've _always_ judged me for being friends with him. You've always judged him for being a Slytherin. You've no right to say things like that."

Marlene stepped back a step, surprised at the wrath of Lily's words. "Lil, I was just speaking true," She insisted. Marlene never quite knew when to stop. "Lily, no one who was ever really your friend would have called you that name."

"Well, real friends don't judge their friends for who they associate with."

"Is that what you think I'm doing, Lily? I'm trying to help you."

"I don't want you to. I don't need help." Lily turned on her bed so she wouldn't have to face Marlene.

"Fine," The other girl said harshly. "I'll just leave you alone then. Let me know when you remember who your real friends are." Lily waited until she couldn't hear the girl's angry footsteps before sobbing quietly into her pillow.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: So. Basically, that's the end of 5th year. I know my chapters are short. I try to make them a little longer every time, but it doesn't really happen that way. Also this fic is pretty fluffy and happy all the time so it's not really conductive of long chapters. Lo siento!

Anyway, review if you please.


	4. Not so friend-less

**Author's Note/Disclaimer**: I don't own any of this. Obviously. (side note: I feel like this should be glaringly obvious. Do I really need to put it before EVERY chapter?!)

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><p>Lily stood alone in a compartment of the Hogwarts express and breathed deeply. The last few weeks of fifth year were abominable. Ever since Sev-Snape called her... that name, Lily felt like shrinking into herself and hiding from the world. And it seemed to have worked, for a while. Even James Potter stopped bothering her. And then school was over and she went home for the break, where she could try to pretend that nothing having to do with Hogwarts was wrong. She only heard from the wizard world by the occasional letter from Alice. She hadn't spoken to Marlene since they fought last term, but she wasn't sure how to approach her anymore. She knew it was her stupid Gryffindor pride getting in the way.<p>

But now, she was back and she was a prefect, and she couldn't hide any longer. She straightened her robes and took one more deep breath before pushing her way out of the compartment.

* * *

><p>James couldn't wait to get back to school. The wizard world had been buzzing with rumors and news of the "Lord Voldemort" fellow all summer. He didn't want to admit it, but he was scared. He saw firsthand what those stupid minions of his-the death eaters-would do. He was hoping that Hogwarts would make it all go away. That is, James knew that it wouldn't go away, but Hogwarts was secluded enough from the outside world- even the wizard one-that it might just be possible to forget.<p>

He and the marauders were sitting in a compartment and bantering back and forth. They'd been ribbing Moony about his prefect stature, and talking about Prong's appointment to captain of the Quidditch team.

Remus opened the door of the compartment and started to leave for his Prefect meeting when he crashed into something. Something that was small, and fairly red, and extremely feminine. James stood up, as if to help them up, but Remus had already done that job, helping Evans up and apologizing for running into her. Evans was apologizing too, until she saw who she'd smacked into.

"Oh," she said. "Hello Remus." Her voice held a bit of wariness and hurt in it, even months after the incident had occurred. She looked away from him, and into the marauders compartment. Sirius put a hand on James's shoulder and forced him to sit down-he hadn't even known he'd been standing. Lily's face colored, in anger and embarrassment, and she looked down at the floor. "I've got to go."

"Wait," Remus called after her. She stopped and turned around. "You're a prefect too?"

"Too?" Lily echoed before seeing the badge on Remus's robes. "Perfect," she mumbled.

"Let's walk to the meeting together," Remus suggested. Evans looked like she wanted to do anything but that, but she agreed anyway.

After they'd gone, Sirius turned to James. "Damn," he whistled through his teeth. "You've got it bad."

"I haven't got anything," James insisted.

"Oh shut it, Prongs," Peter exclaimed. "You were so tightly wound I thought you might burst through the ceiling."

"I just feel bad is all. For what happened last year."

"Sure you do, Prongs," Sirius was chortling quietly, and James just groaned and put his head in his hands.

* * *

><p>"Look, Lily," Remus said to her as they walked down to the end of the train. "I know you're still angry at me for what happened last year."<p>

"I don't want to talk about it," Lily said belligerently.

"I know, and I'm sorry," Remus pushed on. "But I need to apologize. I should have spoken out. I should have said something to them. But those guys, they've been with me through just about anything you can imagine. It's difficult to repay that, and sometimes I get a little mixed up trying to make up for it." She still wasn't looking at him. "Lily," Remus said. Begged, even. "I'm truly sorry."

Lily cleared her throat after a while. "It's alright. I suppose I should probably let go of the whole thing anyway." Not that she would. She could never forget the look on Snape's face while the other boys hexed him continuously. And then his face after...

"Oh no. Don't give the rest of them any slack," Remus said, grinning. "They deserve it all."

Lily grinned back and thought that she might not be so friendless this year after all.

* * *

><p>Lily was in the library studying for a charms exam when she felt someone come up beside her. She tensed. These days, someone coming up to her was not necessarily a good thing, especially when she lacked the safety of the Gryffindor tower. She looked up to see Potter standing over her chair, grinning like a mad man. She felt immediate relief that her unwanted visitor wasn't Lestrange, or Malfoy, or even a Black, but that turned into annoyance immediately. "Potter," She said curtly. "What do you want?" It seemed like this was how they always started their 'conversations'.<p>

"You know," he replied to her, "If you wanted help with charms, you could have just asked me."

"And get hexed in the process? No, thanks," Lily spat. She was true to her word. After she'd forgiven Remus, they'd become fast friends, but she'd never been comfortable with the rest of the marauders.

"Aw, come on Evans. That was one time."

"That's not true. It was just the worst time."

"Look," He said, running his hand through his obnoxiously messy hair. Lily wasn't sure how hair could be obnoxious, but Potter seemed to make it happen. "I'm sorry about that, okay? Sirius and I, we got carried away..."

"Looked to me like Snape got carried away, not you two pricks."

Potter's face flushed. "How are you still defending that little shit? I heard what happened after..."

"You and everyone else at Hogwarts, Potter. I don't need the reminder."

"Right," Potter sighed and shoved his hand back into his hair. It was a really annoying habit that he had, Lily decided. Everything about him was annoying. "Look. I came over here to see if you needed help in transfiguration. I noticed that you had a little trouble with the bird spell and thought I could help."

Lily's eyes narrowed. It was just like him to point out her faults. "I don't need your help, Potter," She said coldly. She stood up quickly. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got more important things to do than stand here arguing with you."

"I...but..." James couldn't seem to form a complete sentence, and Lily smiled slightly as she walked away, even if she did retain her anger.

* * *

><p>"Why do you think she got so pissed off," James asked the marauders later. The marauders sighed in unison. They didn't even have to ask who he was talking about. Lily Evans was all James Potter ever talked about, really.<p>

"Prongs, you told her that she wasn't doing well in her classes," Sirius said.

"Not a good plan," Remus responded. "You know how proud she gets about her grades."

"No, actually, I don't, because you won't tell me anything about her, Moony" James accused of his friend.

"Only because when I do you get that gross look on your face!" Remus exclaimed.

"It's true," Peter put in. "You get all squishy-looking and your eyes glaze over, it's kind of sad, mate."

"Oh, shut up, you two," James said. They all dropped the subject, but every now and then the marauders heard James mumbling under his breath about squishy faces.

* * *

><p>Marlene was waiting on Lily's bed when she got back from rounds that night. "What are you doing?" Lily asked her in a flat voice.<p>

"Apologizing," Marlene said. "Look, Lil. I'm sorry for what I said last semester, okay? I just got all worked up about..."

"Snape."

"Yeah," Marlene blew out a large breath. "That." She shook her head, a blush heating her face. "I wanted to make you feel better, and I wanted to get revenge on him, and I handled everything wrong. I'm sorry."

"You really hurt me, Mar." Lily murmured. She sat down on the foot of her bed, not quite looking at Marlene, but at least she wasn't walking away.

"I know."

Lily took a deep breath. "I'm sorry too."

"For what?"

"Saying you weren't a real friend. That was wrong. You were one of the closest friends I ever had."

"Yeah, well I sure wasn't acting like it that day, was I?"

Lily shook her head, a half smile gracing her face. "Neither was I though." She stood up and held out her hand to Marlene. "Friends? I haven't really got many of them, after all. I should learn to keep the ones I have." Marlene took her hand and Lily pulled her off the bed and into a hug.

* * *

><p>"Moony!" James exclaimed as Remus was just about to leave their dormitory. "Where are you going?"<p>

"The library. Lily and I are going to study."

"Can I come with?"

"No."

"But-"

"She actually doesn't mind me right now, Prongs. If I let you come with me, she'd throw me out on the street."

"Moony..." James started dangerously.

"What?"

"You don't like her do you?"

"Merlin, Prongs, of course not. But I do like being her friend, and she's not really fond of you, is she?"

"What does she tell you about me?"

"We don't talk about you, Prongs."

"You don't try to redeem me?"

Remus turned on his best friend. "Look," he said. "She's right. You were kind of an ass. I'm not saying that she shouldn't forgive you or anything, but she hasn't really seen a reason to at this point. Plus, she hates talking about you with me, because she knows I'll defend you if I can."

James was quiet for a minute, and then picked Remus up in a huge hug. "Aw, Moony! You do love me!"

"Gerroff me, Prongs!" Remus shouted. James dropped him and laughed, sauntering over to his bed.

"Have fun with Evans! Put in a good word for me!"

"I'll try," Remus sighed, thinking that that would probably be impossible.

* * *

><p>Lily had been making friends more steadily than ever since 6th year had started. Over the summer, she'd only talked to Alice, and that was very infrequently. True, she made up with Marlene and Remus and her had become friends, but she'd never thought that she'd be called popular. It seemed to her, however, that once she and Remus had become friends, everyone wanted to be her friend, too. Maybe it was his social status that made her desirable, but Lily had other ideas. She never approached Snape anymore. Sometimes she saw him looking at her, but when he caught her looking back, his face would twist into a sneer that would cause her to wince and turn away again. Being friends with Snape made her a bit of a pariah, and now that he was gone, even metaphorically so, she was more approachable.<p>

She would have given her newly found social status to be friends with Sev-her Sev, not the abominable prick that he'd become- any day.

Remus and Lily were studying for their last exams before winter break. It was well past bedtime for most people, and they had just gotten past potions, which Lily excelled at, and onto Transfiguration, which neither of them really aced.

"You know," Remus said hesitantly, after they'd tried and failed to transfigure a pillow into a live dove. "James is really good at this stuff. He could probably help us."

"Remus," Lily sighed. Not angrily, exactly, more frustrated or defeated. "I know he's your friend, and I'm sorry, but I just can't work with him. He just makes me so angry."

"I know...I understand why. I just think that he could help, is all."

"I don't think being in the same room with him is a good idea, when I can avoid it."

"Do you mind..." Remus trailed off.

"What is it?" Lily looked up from the parchment she was reading.

"I know we never talk about this stuff. But do you mind me asking why you hate him so much?"

"I don't necessarily hate him..." Remus just stared at Lily unblinkingly. She sighed. "Okay, fine. I don't like him. He's just. He doesn't think about other people. He doesn't think! And he's always trying to rub his success into other people's faces, and I know you don't agree with me because you're his friend, but he's really conceited and a know-it-all," Lily quieted for a second. "And. And when I look at him, all I can think about is that day. Sev-Snape and I may not be friends anymore, but no one deserves to be treated the way that the marauders treated him that day."

"I know,"

"No. You don't. I know that none of you like him. Severus, I mean. I don't like him much anymore either. But Snape was there for me when no one else was. Before I even knew what being a witch meant. Before I came to Hogwarts and found a home. Snape was there for me when my own family couldn't be. And I guess, well, part of me blames Potter for taking that away from me." She looked up to see Remus looking at her apologetically. "I know it's ridiculous. Snape was the one that said it. But I can't find it in myself to place all of the blame on Snape."

"I think that's justified," Remus said after a while. They were quiet, and Lily looked back down at her transfiguration book, trying to find out how she'd gone wrong. "Maybe we were pronouncing it wrong," Remus suggested. Lily shrugged, but was glad that they'd moved past their former conversation. She did acknowledge to herself, however, that maybe it was time to forgive Potter—not for being an arse in general, but for what happened. He had sort of tried to apologize after all. And, well, she didn't think she could ever be his friend, but it might help her if she didn't have to always hate him. Besides, he didn't seem like such a prat anymore. Remus interrupted her thoughts with another question about the exam, so she shook herself internally and focused on studying.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note pt 2<strong>: Hey! Sorry for not getting this chapter out last week. I'd been trying to update once a week consistently, but it turns out that college is a challenge when you're trying to write and get ready for a convention on the side. But that convention is over now (it was awesome btw) and I'm free to avoid doing school work all I want! I hope you enjoy :D Review if you like it!


	5. Study Buddies

**Disclaimer**: I don't own these characters. Duh.

* * *

><p>James was walking off the Quidditch pitch after practice when he heard someone calling his name. <em>Probably one of my adoring fans<em>, he thought. He looked up, smirking, but his smile dropped when he saw Lily Evans running towards him. Lily Evans, who had never said a word to him unprovoked, who barely ever glanced at him, and who glared whenever she got the chance, was walking towards him, calling his name in_ public_. Granted, her head was down so he couldn't see her face, as if that would camouflage her. As though he, or anyone else, wouldn't be able to tell her apart by her hair. He put a smile back on his face for show, but his heart was beating embarrassingly quickly. "What can I do for you, Evans?"

"I need to talk to you," Lily said grimly. She wouldn't look at him, and she was frowning intensely. James wasn't sure why, but she made him want to laugh, and then tug her towards him to hold her all at the same time. He instead, he just stood there, smiling at her, raising his eyebrows, and waiting for her to talk. "Privately," She said after he didn't respond. She looked around at the pitch, where his team was gawking at them. Well, Lily Evans talking willingly to James Potter was quite a spectacle.

"Oh, right," James looked around before tugging her under the bleachers with him. He took one look at her face and laughed out loud. She looked scandalized.

"Not here, Potter!"

"Well, where would you want to go? At least they won't be spying on us here."

"Well they're probably thinking I'm having my way with you or something," She huffed, waving a hand franticly. James thought she looked especially fantastic when she was huffing, but he didn't want to dwell on how good she looked, or how it sounded when she said 'have my way with you'. That was dangerous territory.

"Okay, sorry. Sorry. Would you like to walk to Hagrid's with me? I promised him I'd help him with some of the animals after he caught me out after hours a few nights ago." The lie flowed easily from him, as it always did. The marauders had a stash of stories for what they'd be doing during full moons, in case they were ever caught in a compromising position.

"You know I could give you detention for that?"

"Yeah, but you wouldn't. You want something from me." James said in a matter-of-fact way. It was true, they both knew, but James didn't care. He was happy enough that she was talking to him at all.

"Fine," Lily colored slightly at his words, but led the way out from under the stands.

He caught up to her quickly and waited until they were out of earshot before continuing. "So. To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"I need to ask you something," Lily said.

"Ask away."

"I need—I was wondering..."

"Yes..."

Lily took a deep breath. "I just got my Transfiguration notes back, and I was wondering if you might help me. I can't afford to fail this class."

"Color me shocked," James spouted. "Lily Evans needs my help! The unbreakable Evans asking for help from James Potter."

"Shut up, Potter!" Lily stopped and turned away from him. She put a hand up in front of her face. "I knew this was a terrible idea. I never should have asked you." She started to stomp away, but James reached out quickly and caught her arm.

"Wait, Lily." She turned back to glare at him, but he looked at her sincerely. "I'm sorry. I was just teasing. Please forget I just said that. Here! Let's start over," James was aware that he was rambling, but Lily wasn't glaring at him, just looking at him like he was an idiot. Well, it was better than before, he figured. He took a deep breath. "Of course, Tiger Lily, I'd be happy to help you study." He grinned widely, hoping that she'd just go with it and not get angrier.

"Don't call me that," She said automatically, rolling her eyes. "And this isn't a favor. I don't want to owe you."

"Fine."

"Fine. So I'll help you with Potions, or Charms, or something."

"Sounds good," James said, nearly floating with happiness. She just offered to spend more time with him!

"Okay." They reached Hagrid's hut and Lily turned towards him one last time, meeting his eyes briefly. "We aren't friends," Lily said. James raised his eyebrows, trying to ignore the slight hit that his happiness took. It was a step forward, and that's all that mattered. "I mean. I still don't like you. But I don't really hate you anymore."

"I'll take it, Evans." She looked up at him with a worried expression on her face, as if he might rob her of something, and then turned and ran away. When he couldn't see her anymore, he spun around with his fists up in the air. "Yes!" He exclaimed. He rushed inside the cottage where the other marauders were already waiting for him.

"What was that all about?" Sirius asked.

"Evans asked me to tutor her," James had a satisfied smirk on his face.

"You're lying," Sirius said. Peter and Hagrid, who was stewing something up on his stove laughed.

"Would I make this up, Padfoot?" James put a hand over his heart, as if wounded.

"Guys," Remus said from the corner, where he was huddled. "Love to chat, but I think the moon's coming out fairly soon. Don't want to be here when that happens."

"Right," The marauders said. They bid Hagrid goodbye and headed towards the Whomping Willow, half-carrying, half dragging a shaking Remus behind them.

* * *

><p>When the day came for their first study session, Lily could barely drag herself down to the library. She found a secluded corner, where hopefully no one would see her with Potter, and sat down. She was finishing some homework for charms when he ambled in a few minutes late, as usual, smirking cockily. He sprawled on the seat across from her and grinned madly at her, while she just raised an eyebrow.<p>

"Cozy," He said after a while.

"Secluded," She argued. "No one will know I stooped so low as to ask for help from you."

"Ouch, Evans, you wound me."

"Yeah, well someone at this school has to make sure you're head doesn't get any bigger."

"Believe me; between Remus and Sirius, I've got a few people doing just that."

"Good boy, Remus," Lily muttered. "What about Peter?" She enquired.

"Well, he usually goes along with whatever they do, I suppose."

"Then I guess they all make my job a little easier."

"Which is...?"

"Constantly deflating your ego," Lily shot at him. He smiled at her, and she returned it, a warm feeling inching its way into her chest. Which she didn't like at all. She cleared her throat and whipped her Transfiguration book out of her bag. "Let's get started then," she said, much more sharply than necessary. Potter jerked back, surprised, and then blinked quickly nodding at her.

"You won't need this," He said, closing the book that she'd just opened. "Transfiguration isn't about learning things. It's about confidence."

"That makes absolutely no sense, Potter." Lily opened the book back up to the spell she'd been having trouble with, only to have him close it again.

"Who is the one here who has top marks?"

"In one subject!"

"Look, Evans. If you don't want me to help you—and it seems like you really don't—you shouldn't have asked me."

"I..." Lily closed her mouth. There was nothing she could say, really. He was right. She didn't want his help, but she needed it. "Fine," She said, resigned. She dropped her book back in her bag. "Now how do we do this?"

* * *

><p>Lily was walking out of Potions when a folded piece of paper landed on her books. She opened it up.<p>

"Lily,

Meet me at the Astronomy Tower at midnight.

-SS."

She was immediately ecstatic. She was still mad at him, but maybe he'd finally apologize. That's all she wanted, really. She could forgive him for everything if he'd just say he was sorry, well, mostly everything. She looked around to find him, but he was nowhere in sight.

"Why so happy, Evans?" Potter asked her later that evening, when they were studying in the Gryffindor common room. She still tried to avoid him on a daily basis, but since they'd started studying together, Lily decided that their relationship had become a hesitant comradery.

"No reason in particular," She tried to hide her grin to no avail; she was still bursting with hope that Sev was trying to make up with her, but she obviously wouldn't tell Potter that. She had a harder time than normal concentrating on Transfiguration, and finally, she couldn't take it. "Can we cut this short? I've got...stuff to do."

"Eager to get away, Evans?" Potter tried to put on a sad face which didn't last and gave way to a smirk. Lily rolled her eyes.

"As always, Potter." With that she hurried up to the dormitories to stew in silence.

Being a prefect gave her perfect insights on how to avoid getting caught after hours. When 11:30 pm hit, Lily was out of her room and headed towards the astronomy tower. She cautiously walked through the halls, ducking into classrooms or closets when she heard someone coming. She finally got to the top of the tower with a few minutes to spare. Sev was already there waiting for her. He turned around when she came in, and smiled tentatively at her. She wanted to run to him, but she held back, just barely remembering that she was still angry.

"Lily," Sev said. He seemed almost surprised to see her, which Lily realized wasn't such a shock when she thought about it.

"Severus," he winced a bit at the formality, but Lily wanted him to know that she was still hurt, still angry at him, for what he'd called her. "Why did you want to meet me?"

"I wanted to apologize," Sev said haltingly. "Lily, I'm so sorry for what happened last term. I didn't mean it."

"Sev. I know. But you called me a- a _mudblood_," Lily stumbled over the slur. "You were supposed to be my best friend."

"I am your best friend!"

"Sev, you haven't talked to me since it happened. You've been hanging out with those racist gits! How is that being a friend?"

"I'm trying to apologize for that. I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you. I'm sorry that I called you a...that word. I'm sorry that I'm always around those jerks. You're my best friend, Lily. I want us to be close again." Snape looked up at her with wide eyes, pleading her to forgive him.

Lily took a deep breath. "I want that too, Sev." He began to grin, and it was so infectious, she couldn't help but to grin back. "But," she said soberly, "Sev, you really hurt me that day. I'm not sure we can just jump back into the same friendship that we had."

"I know, Lily, I've just missed you."

"I miss you too." The statement felt good, even if she was still really annoyed at him.

"Good," Sev nodded, satisfied. Lily nodded back, and then found the whole situation so ridiculous that laughter bubbled out of her. "What?" Sev asked.

"Nothing," Lily shook her head. "I'm just happy." She looked down at her watch and noticed that it was already almost 12:30 am. She didn't want to be out past curfew longer than she should. "Sev, I should probably get back to the dormitories. Do you want to have lunch tomorrow? Or maybe we could meet after classes by the lake." Lily grinned, but Sev's smile had dropped off her face. Her stomach dropped and her happy attitude was knocked down a few notches.

"Well," Sev looked away.

"What is it?" Lily asked sharply.

"I can't...exactly...be seen with you."

"What?" The monotonous word tore itself out of Lily.

"The other...they don't approve of our friendship. And I tried telling them that I didn't care that you were a... muggleborn, but they care a lot."

"So you're going to listen to those bastards?" Her good mood had completely vanished by now, replaced with shocked hurt.

"I don't have a choice, Lily! They control my house."

"Sev, they don't control your life."

"They might as well," Severus muttered. He lifted his pleading eyes to hers, "I still want to be friends, Lily. I still want to be close to you. I just can't let them know about it." Lily's eyes welled with tears of frustration and pain.

"Severus, you're my best friend. I've forgiven you for what you said to me. I don't care about that...as much anymore. But I won't be your friend only when it's convenient for you. I won't be your dirty little secret that you hide from your pureblood friends." She was crying freely now. "That's cowardly, Sev. I always thought you were so brave, but that's...that's weak." She cleared her throat of emotion.

"Yeah?" He shot back. "And what about you? I've seen you around Potter and his little fan club. I thought you told me you'd never be one of them!"

"I'm not one of them," She shouted. "But in light of certain circumstances, I've been lacking friends. At least the marauders don't have to lie about spending time with me!"

"They're assholes, Lily! All of them."

"At least they come by it honestly," She bit out. "You know what? I'm sick of this. I have to go."

"Wait! Lily!" Sev called after her, but she was already running down the corridor.

* * *

><p>"Lily," Remus said hesitantly. They'd been doing their weekly rounds in silence, which was fine with her. She didn't feel much like talking these days anyway. "Are you...are you okay."<p>

"I'm fine, Remus," Lily sighed. "Just tired is all."

"Okay." Remus was quiet for about a second. "It's just...I know what happened. Between you and Snape."

Lily was aghast. "How?" She snapped. Her face colored in anger and embarrassment.

"Peeves told James, who told me."

"Why would Peeves tell Potter?" Lily groaned.

"He thought it was amusing. Had a good laugh at it, I guess. And Peeves knows that James and Snape..."

"Got it," Lily said. She didn't want to hear any details. "But why would James tell you?"

"He was worried about you," Lily snorted. "It's true. Peeves saw the whole thing. James said it was pretty nasty."

"It was nothing," Lily insisted. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay," Remus consented. "But I think James told me because he knows that you're more comfortable around me than any of us. And he wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I don't want Potter knowing my personal business. And I'm fine."

"Noted," Remus said, finally putting an end to their conversation. Lily let out a relieved breath. And then had another thought.

"Remus," She started hesitantly.

"Yes?"

"How many people did Peeves tell?" She was mortified enough that Potter knew, and was telling his friends, but if Peeves told anyone else, the fight between Sev-Snape and her may be all over the school by now.

Remus smiled a small, mischievous, and slightly terrifying smile. "James knows how to control Peeves. He won't tell anyone else." Lily felt a surge of gratitude towards the boy that she quickly battered away. Just because he did a nice thing once in a while didn't mean that he was a good person.

* * *

><p>It took Lily a few weeks to get over the fight she'd had with Severus. In all honesty, she always felt a little twinge of loneliness when she thought about him, but she finally resolved to put it behind her. She laughed with Remus. She became closer to Alice, Marlene, and even other Gryffindor girls like Mary and Emma. She went on a double date with Alice and Frank and a cute Hufflepuff. She was even civil to Potter during one of their studying sessions.<p>

She still looked around for Snape, though. She couldn't entirely help it. One day, they were all in the library: Alice and Frank, Remus, Peter, Sirius, Sirius's girl-of-the-week, James, and Lily. Alice and Frank were fairly blind to the world these days, so Lily was left on her own with the marauders. They weren't studying, of course. Lily wasn't sure that any of the marauders, save Remus, ever studied. But Lily did, so she was here, trying to study, and everyone else was having a grand old time distracting her. "You're an ass, Black," Lily shouted after he'd revealed that it was actually him that'd charmed her broom in second year to fly away from her when she'd try to get near. "I nearly failed flying because of that!" She laughed at it, though. She was finding it was getting a lot easier to laugh and to have light hearted conversations like she used to. She was still grinning when she looked around to see Sev lingering in one of the book stacks, glaring at her in betrayal. Anger and sadness pierced through her simultaneously. It wasn't her fault that they weren't friends anymore. Though it was almost as unappealing as another fight with Severus, she leaned closer to Potter to ask him a question about their Transfiguration homework. When she looked up again, Sev was gone.

"Well," She jumped up some time later. "I've got to get going."

"Why?" Alice asked. "Got a date with the Hufflepuff."

"Not tonight. Hugh and I are going out."

"Hugh?" Potter put in. "The one in Ravenclaw with the big ears?"

Lily rolled her eyes. "There's nothing wrong with his ears, Potter."

"If you say so. Does he listen really well, I wonder?"

"Better than you, I'd guess."

"Maybe if you went out with me, you could find out."

Lily laughed without responding, which she'd learned to do when Potter asked her out.

* * *

><p>James would never admit it to anyone except maybe the marauders, but he watched Lily much more closely since that night at the astronomy tower. He followed her with his eyes, when possible and with the Marauders map any other time he could. Sure, it felt like stalking once in a while, but he'd noticed her face in the few weeks after she'd fought with Severus. She'd temporarily lost her fire, that spark of wit and humor that she always held, and that scared him. So he watched her. He saw her laughing with his friends, and he saw her look back into the library, her face going slack, and an emotion that looked very much to James like grief flashed in his eyes. He looked sharply at Sirius, who mouthed "Snape" to him. And then, when Lily surprisingly, defiantly, leaned closer to him to ask him a nonsense question that she already knew the answer to, he understood how hurt she was with perfect clarity. He only wished he could be the one to help her.<p>

* * *

><p>Lily would never admit it to anyone, but life at Hogwarts seemed to be getting harder and harder ever since she'd fought with Severus. Sure, there were still great days. Days where the sun would shine, and she'd ace an exam, and nothing in her world that she didn't expect would go wrong. But then, there were days when she'd find a note in her book that said "Careful, Mudblood", as if she knew what she was supposed to watch out for. Or, she'd hear the word hissed at her in the hallway, or a simple tripping charm would cause her to fall and lose all of her books in the process. Once, she was on rounds with Remus when the two of them came across a group of Slytherins including Snape, Lestrange, Mulciber, and Avery, all led by Malfoy, as per usual.<p>

"You shouldn't be in the hallway," Remus uttered in a bored voice that Lily was sure he'd perfected just for these people. "Ten points from Slytherin. Each." Remus held an arm behind his back, signaling for Lily to stay behind him. She detested the fact that she agreed with him: it was no use putting herself in danger right away. She knew she'd be the primary target if she advanced.

"You can't take points away from us," Avery sneered. "You're not in our house, and you're definitely not the heads."

"That's true," Remus said, "But Slughorn seems to have a special affinity for Evans here, and he'd most likely agree with her about anything, as long as she helped him with the younger year's potion preparation. In any case, you've all earned yourself one detention."

"Surely you should know better, Malfoy. The three of us are all prefects here," Lily stepped out of the shadows and raised an eyebrow at him, her heart beating so loudly in her ears that she was afraid Malfoy might just call her on her bravado.

"So nice of you to join us, Mudblood. And I'm glad you brought a friend with a similar...blood issue with you..." Lily snapped her head to look at Remus in confusion, who had lost his apathetic expression and was now wearing a mask of pure fury. Snape, however, looked entirely too smug for her liking.

"I'm not exactly sure what you're playing at, Malfoy, but you know Dumbledore won't stand for prefects bullying other students."

"Can't handle it, _Mudblood_?"

"On the contrary. I just think it wouldn't be very wise of us to hex the lot of you, so I'm offering you another way out. Now, Remus and I are going to continue on with our rounds, and if we see you out after curfew again, we'll find another way to deal with you."

"Oh, scary, mudblood," Mulciber spat. Remus fairly trembled with anger beside her, but Lily rolled her eyes.

"Can it, Mulciber," She said. "You've all got two detentions now. I'll tell Slughorn in the morning." She ignored the myriad of glares and sneers directed at her and took hold of Remus's arm. "Let's go, Remus," She murmured. She walked away with Remus in tow stiffly, only sighing in relief when she was sure they were too far away to hear. When she finally felt like her voice was strong enough to speak, she stopped Remus, who'd also cooled down. "Don't tell any other students about this, yeah?" She hated that people knew she was picked on. She hated the fact that Severus was with them. She almost hated that she hadn't been brave enough to shoot a few hexes their way.

"Yeah," Remus agreed. Lily smiled slightly at him and continued forward. "Lily," he called after her, "You were great back there, you know. Never losing your cool. Sadly, I can't say the same thing for me."

Lily held back a short laugh, but a small smile slipped through. "You must be great at Legilimency. I was just thinking that I wish I'd hexed them all into oblivion."

"Nah. You don't. That'd be a messy clean up. Believe me; I have practice cleaning up after hexes."

"I suppose you do," Lily couldn't help the laugh that slipped out of her this time. It was the relief vibrating through her, and she laughed harder when Remus gave his own shaky laugh. They were still howling, though neither really knew why, when they stepped through the portrait hole into the Gryffindor tower.

* * *

><p>The marauders were all sick of James. They'd been hearing about Evans for years in one way or another, but recently it'd become ridiculous. Ever since Lily Evans could stand to be in the same room with James Potter, his head had practically exploded. He'd lie on his bed and proclaim that the next day would be the day that Lily would see him-truly see him. And Sirius would tell him that that was his problem. That Lily already saw him too much to date him. Peter always grunted in agreement. And he would come back from Quidditch practice in a haze, saying that he spotted a dot of dark red hair as they did flying exercises over Hogwarts. It was worse with Remus, though. Being a prefect gave him insider Evans information, and it was everything he could do to fend James off.<p>

"Seriously, Prongs," Remus said. It was almost midnight, and James was mooning over Lily, once again. Mooning! That was supposed to be his job! "You've got to get over this. She may not hate you like she did, but she still won't date you. Ever, I'd say."

"That's where you're wrong, Moony. Patience is the answer. Patience and persistence."

"I think that she doesn't like the persistent thing," He replied, turning over, hoping James would let him fall asleep this time.

He didn't. "What?" James said. In a second he was off of his bed and onto Remus's. "Did she say something? What did she say?"

"Oi!" Remus protested. "Get off the bed."

James sat back from where he'd been hovering over Remus, but he stayed seated on the mattress. "Tell me!"

"She didn't say anything, Prongs. I just noticed that she doesn't really like it when you ask her out."

"She doesn't yell at me for it anymore..."

"...Because she doesn't want you to know how much you bother her."

"Well what do you suggest I do?" James asked after a moment of reflection.

"Keep at it, mate," Sirius broke in. "You know the first step to sexual tension is actual tension. The angry kisses always come first." He giggled slightly to himself, knowing James would take the bait. James always took the bait.

"Or you could not..." Remus put in, trying to be the voice of reason.

"Annoying her is what I do best," James concluded, finally before letting them all have their sleep. Remus sighed hopelessly. At least he hadn't told them about what had happened during rounds a while back. If he had, James would go all mamma bear on Lily, and she might never speak to any one of them again.

* * *

><p><strong><em>Author's Note<em>**: Hey, all. Thanks for the patience! I had a really incredibly shitty few weeks at school, but now I'm on Thanksgiving break, so I was able to get this chapter up (and I'll hopefully be able to write a chapter to post before finals week)

**iceandfire105**: Thanks so much! (you make me giggle and blush; honestly, it's a bit embarrassing)

Anyway, hope you like this chapter! Reviews are like dark chocolate to my soul.


	6. Letters

**Disclaimer**: I'm not J.K...whatever

**Warning: Character deaths in this chapter, it's not terribly graphic, but I wanted to put a warning just in case.**

* * *

><p>"I think we should finish these Transfiguration papers today," Lily said firmly. She was in the library with Potter, yet again, and he was being somewhat uncooperative. "Remus and I've got to decorate the great hall later, and I want this to be done well before exams."<p>

"I think we should quit. We've been at this for forever," James whined. "Why don't we sneak down to Hogsmeade for a butterbeer."

"I think that that's a terrible idea. Look, we only need four more inches."

"That's practically a kilometer." James looked at her with large, pleading eyes, which seemed even more magnified by his glasses.

"Oh stop it," Lily huffed, turning back to her parchment and attempting to write a few more lines. "I'm going to finish this essay today. You can either help me or you can sod off."

"And then we can go for a butterbeer?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Potter!" Lily snapped, releasing about three hours of pent up frustration. "Could you, for _one _second, stop and think of _why_ I would ever say yes to you? Have I ever given you _any_ indication that I want to go out with you? We're barely even civil to each other!" Lily fumed at him as her face flushed and she pointed a finger at his chest, continuing her rant. His shocked eyes stared back at her, and she felt a slight bit of guilt at her temper rising up, but she shoved it back down to go on. "And you always seem to think you know me...that you know exactly what I'd like. Do you want to know what I'd like? I'd like some peace for once, and I'd like not to have to look over my shoulder. I swear I'm either avoiding another awkward situation with you or the wanna-be-death-eater Slytherins all the time these days." James opened his mouth, looking hurt and appalled. She waved her hands in dismissal. "Oh, I know. You're nothing like them. I'm aware. We've been through that. But you make me uncomfortable too when you come on to me. Just in a different way than they do. So I'd really appreciate it if we could study and communicate just once without there being some sort of proposition every five minutes."

There was a heavy pause, in which Lily stopped to catch her breath and try to get a handle on the angry flush that graced her cheeks. She, now regretting the way she'd exploded was about to apologize—for the tone, not the words—when she'd thought of something different that she might just have to bring up. She inhaled to begin another tirade when James spoke before she could utter anything. "Okay," he said quietly.

"And I..." Lily started a continuation of her scolding, but stopped short when what he said finally registered with her. "You what?"

"I said okay. Fine. I'm sorry that I've made you so uncomfortable before by pulling pranks and asking you out. So now I'm done. With the whole 'ask Lily Evans out' plan, not pulling pranks." He raised his eyebrows at her and ruffled his hair with his hands in a textbook example of arrogant James Potter, but his eyes were completely serious.

Lily stared at him, attempting to prove his sincerity by reading his eyes. "You promise?"

"Cross my heart, and pray I get speared by a blast ended skrewt, Evans."

Lily narrowed her eyes. "Okay. Fine. Good. Should we keep going then?"

"Well, seeing as we've wasted a good half an hour of prime study time, I'd say that would be a good idea, Evans."

"Oh, sod off, Potter," Lily retorted, but she smiled. If Potter didn't try to get her to date him all the time, she might actually start to be able to stand him.

* * *

><p>As pre-break exams got closer and closer, Lily became even more of a shut in. James, especially, only ever saw her when they studied together, which he looked forward to much more than he should. Sirius had taken to throwing a jelly legs jinx at him every time he started on the subject in fact. "Today, Evans and I studied Charms, and she had this beautifully haughty look on her face," He'd start, and immediately collapse, feeling like his bones had turned into some sort of spazzing plasma. "Every time, Padfoot!" He shouted as he fell onto the floor, but his friend just shrugged without speaking. James could read the look that his friend gave him though. He'd been warned. The next jinx probably wouldn't be so friendly. Even Remus wouldn't listen to him, even though he saw Lily much more than the others did. So, eventually, he held most of his Lily Evans facts in, only letting one or two slip when he'd confiscated Sirius's wand.<p>

* * *

><p>Remus had waited for at least half an hour before finally deciding to do rounds by himself. He knew that Lily would never be late for rounds unless it was important, and he trusted her. He was on the third floor when he heard crying coming from a broom closet. Usually, he left broom closet occupants to Lily, but obviously she wasn't there to help him out, so he quietly opened the door...only to find his missing partner, kneeling on the ground over what looked to be a muggle letter, not the parchment that he was used to.<p>

"Lily!" He'd exclaimed in shock, before realizing that shouting was most likely not the best approach. He'd just never seen her cry before. Honestly, Remus had never actually seen her show much emotion, other than her rage oriented towards James. He'd always assumed, slightly stereotypically, that it had been a redhead thing.

She looked up sharply, and became even redder when she saw him. "Remus!" She squeaked, drying as many tears as she could. "Oh my god, I forgot rounds. I'm so sorry. I'll just..."

Remus knew she must be incredibly flustered, obviously he could see it, but she only used muggle phrases when she was upset. "No, it's fine. I'll continue on my own. I'm almost done anyway...only one more floor to do..."

She sighed and sat back on her heels. "Thanks, Remus. I owe you one." She didn't look up at him, but some of the tension drained out of her shoulders. He was about to walk out the open door, but turned around at the last minute.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He didn't move closer, but he closed the door behind him, allowing the small closet to be lit by a floating candle that he assumed she'd charmed.

Lily sniffed, but didn't reply. She rearranged herself so she was sitting cross legged on the ground, the letter still unfolded in front of her. Remus stood silently, awkwardly, waiting for her to throw him out when she finally croaked out, "My sister's engaged."

"Oh," Remus said, surprised. For one thing, he'd never even known that Lily had siblings. Not that they talked about their personal lives all that much, he'd never reveal his secrets to her, after all. And another, he didn't have siblings, but he'd always assumed that being engaged was a good thing.

Lily caught his eye and saw his confused expression. "You didn't know I had a sister," She stated. He nodded, and she sighed. "It's complicated. We were close, and then I found out I had magic, left for Hogwarts, and became a freak." She cleared her throat. "And as for being engaged, it's not a good thing," Lily said angrily. "Because she's engaged to a filthy whale of a man, _Vernon Dursley_. He hates me, because I'm not a doormat, like Petunia, though I hate to call her that. He stomps his feet all over her and he's annoyed that he can't do the same thing to me, her 'bothersome' little sister."

"Oh."

"He doesn't know about me...about me being a witch. Still thinks I go to a posh boarding school. Hates me for that, too, I'd assume. Thinks a woman's place is in the kitchen and the delivery room of a hospital. Anyway, now that she's engaged, she's written me to give me a list of things I need to do. Namely 'keep my freaky funny business to myself, as it has no place in her life', and 'never ever speak to Vernon about anything having to do with my freak school'. And those are the most mild."

"I'm sorry, Lily. I didn't know."

"How could you? Alice and Marlene don't even know most of this. I don't really like talking about my family...besides, I don't want to bother anyone with the dramatics of something they couldn't do anything about. I assume you'd know something about that," Lily's eyes seemed to pierce through him, and he felt a sharp sliver of fear slide down his spine. _She knew_, he thought, but then, before he could come up with a way to defend herself, she continued. "You know, with your mother being sick and all."

"Right. Yeah, that." He muttered intelligently. _That_. The reason he gave everyone for disappearing for a few days every month. Thank Merlin he hadn't said anything and given himself away.

"Well, Petunia doesn't want me to have anything to do with her wedding. She's forbidden me to help at all, actually. She says here that if I insert myself with any of the planning, she'll snap my wand," Lily waved the letter around, defeated. "I shouldn't be crying anyway. That's useless. And besides, it's for the best, I suppose. If I'm not helping, I don't have to be stuck into a hideous pink dress," Lily shuddered lightly. "Imagine me in pink!" She laughed hollowly and stood up slowly, dusting herself off. "Now," She said, looking at him with a small smile, even though her eyes retained some sadness. "We've still got a floor to patrol, yes?" Remus knew the conversation was over, and followed her out of the small closet.

* * *

><p>Lily didn't go to her last weekend at Hogsmeade before break. She stayed home to study instead of going out. Not that she didn't have someone to go with, of course. Hugh had asked her, as had Amos Diggory, a seventh year Hufflepuff, which had been a surprise for just about everyone who heard. But Alice and Marlene both had dates, and Lily didn't really feel like putting on a smile for a boy that day, so she'd begged off and went to the library to study more for her exams. She was in the library for hours, partly looking over her Potions notes, partially staring off into nothing and trying not to think about anything in particular, especially her life in the muggle world right now. She was neglecting her studies once more when James Potter plopped down a drink in front of her. She jumped high in her seat and let out a loud squeak, which caused an annoyed 'shush!' to come from Madame Pince. Lily rolled her eyes and looked at the boy who'd reclined in the chair across from her. "Why aren't you at Hogsmeade?" She wondered, slightly annoyed. She didn't want company after all.<p>

"Remus told me that you weren't coming, and I figured you shouldn't have to go without butterbeer, especially since it's the last trip before break," He gave her a big grin, and she smiled back slightly.

"Thanks, Potter. That's decent of you."

"That's me. James "Decent" Potter. Anyway, I also noticed you've seemed a little down lately and I thought I might try to cheer you up."

"I'm fine," Lily insisted. "I don't need cheering."

"See, I knew you'd say that, but I'm very observant, and I know that you've been by yourself way too much for the past couple of weeks, and you only do that when you're bothered by something. So, what gives?"

"It's not really any of your business," Lily retorted taking a sip of her butterbeer and attempting to look apathetic. She hated how Potter could see through her excuses. Was nothing sacred?

"True," He nodded, keeping his eyes studiously on his own drink, drawing senseless designs on the side with his long fingers. "But I know that if something is bothering a person, the worst thing you can do is keep it to yourself."

"Ah, but I've already told Remus. So it's not exactly to myself."

"He didn't tell me," James said, somewhat surprised.

"He's a good friend. He doesn't give away his friend's secrets," Lily raised her eyebrows at James.

"That he is," James said, distracted. A slightly awkward pause hung in the air before James broke through the silence again. "Have I ever told you how Remus and I became friends?" Lily shook her head. "Sirius and I, as you may have guessed, became fast friends from the moment we met on the Express. I saw this scrawny 11 year old boy with dark hair and a perpetually annoyed look on his face, and I thought 'He's going to be my best friend.' And he was. Plus, once I talked to him for more than a few seconds, I realized that he hated Slytherins about as much as I did..." Lily rolled her eyes at him, but she didn't interrupt. "Well, we were on the train and Sirius was provoking Bellatrix, who was in second year, obviously, and already well on her way to becoming as nasty as she is these days, and she was about to send a hex our way when Remus stunned her from behind." James shook his head and laughed, looking nostalgic. "I'll always remember the look on Bellatrix's face as she fell down and Remus—who was still really tiny at that time, I mean, you would have thought he was 8, not 11—was standing behind her, looking as nonchalant as ever, except that his eyes were as big as saucers. Anyway, Sirius took one look at Remus and declared extremely loudly, as he is still wont to do, that together, the three of us were going to be unstoppable. And Remus, Merlin, Remus just looked at Sirius and laughed, and he stepped right over Bellatrix and walked right past us. He thought we were right gits, which of course, Sirius was. I'll admit to nothing." James stopped his monologue to look at Lily who was looking at him with her eyebrows raised. "Right. Off topic. Well, anyway, Sirius and I knew that Remus was someone who we wanted to have on our side, but it took some convincing for Remus to see that we weren't actually as big of pricks as he originally thought we were. It took him weeks of living with us to finally just accept that being friends was inevitable. But even when he didn't like us much, he never said a thing about what happened with Bellatrix on the train, even though it could have gotten Sirius and me in trouble."

Lily looked at him without speaking for a while before breaking her gaze away and gulping down more butterbeer. She looked at her discarded Potions notes for a second before resolutely turning away and making up her mind. "My sister wrote me," she said quietly. She didn't glance up at James, but she felt him tense in front of her, knowing that he was shocked that she was saying anything about herself. "She's a muggle, with me being the only witch in the family, and we've not been close since I found out I had magic." She looked up to see James nodding along, not exactly eagerly, but definitely intently. "Well, she wrote me to tell me that she was engaged, and she didn't want me to have anything to do with the wedding," Now, when Lily spoke about it, her voice wasn't sad, necessarily, just deeply disappointed and perhaps a bit bitter. Anything, though, was better than crying, she thought. "She said that she'd not invite me at all if it weren't for our parents. So, here I am, and I've given up all hope of ever having a big sister to do...well, big sister things with. It's just taking me a while to grasp it, I guess." Lily shrugged and looked down at her glass of butterbeer again, not wanting to look at Potter after she'd just shared something personal.

"Merlin, Lily," James said. "That's awful."

"That's Petunia."

"She's got no right!" James seemed enraged on Lily's behalf, which made her feel like warming up to him just that much more.

"It's her wedding, isn't it?" Lily muttered with a wry smile. "It's not all bad, I suppose. Helping with a wedding would just have put more unwanted stress onto me. It's not really that I'm not helping, it's that she doesn't _want_ me to."

"I can't even imagine," James murmured.

"Then you're lucky," Lily said. "Just remember that." Lily met his eyes with a piercing stare, and he nodded at her, dumbfounded. "Anyway, Potter, I can't help but remark that this may be the longest we've ever been in the same room without screaming at each other."

"You may be right, Evans," Potter replied, giving her a smirk. "Although, I believe there was one time that you fell asleep on the common room couch...that was a good two hours with no arguments!"

"You lie, Potter. I was probably arguing with you in my mind."

"You dream about me, Evans?"

"Oh, sod off, Potter. You know that's not what I meant." Lily smacked him on the shoulder but smiled nonetheless. Potter grinned back at her and changed the subject to an anecdote about Remus pranking Sirius, which had Lily in stitches in no time. Later, Lily looked back at that afternoon almost in awe. For one thing, she never believed that Potter could have possibly cheered her up. And for another, she was just beginning to realize that maybe Marlene and Alice were actually right. There seemed to be something inherently decent about Potter, even if it was hidden under layers of ego.

* * *

><p>Winter break had finally come, and it seemed that everyone but Lily was happy. Not that she didn't love going home, except that Petunia was engaged, and she knew that her mother was wrapped up in wedding plans, and her father was taking on overtime at work to pay for the lavish wedding that Petunia had dreamed of. And not one of them seemed to have time for the black sheep. All of this made Lily feel especially angsty, which she hated. She knew her parents loved her. They'd tried their best to support her when she'd found out she was a witch, but there are certain things that muggles never seem to get about the wizard world, and it'd driven a rift between them. Most days, she sat by herself in her room, reading up on whatever she could for school and practicing whatever magic she could get away with. If nothing else, she always resorted to baiting Petunia.<p>

The whole Evans family, plus Vernon Dursley, were sitting around the table for Christmas dinner when Lily had finally had enough of Dursley's boasting and altogether lack of decency. "Daddy," Lily said, "This roast is absolutely _magical_." Both of her parents rolled their eyes at their youngest daughter while Petunia's eyes bugged.

Her father cleared his throat. "Thanks, Lily. I tried this new rub. It worked like a _charm_, don't you think?"

Lily's eyebrows flew up her forehead as she grinned and tried her hardest to hold back hysterics. This is why she loved her father. She saw his eyebrows quirk in a subtle flinch, and saw her mother glaring at him from his side, and her smile grew. "Quite good," Vernon muttered. "Though I think it could use a little something more...not quite like the roasts that they serve at bank functions."

If Lily rolled her eyes any more this dinner, she was afraid that they might roll out of her head. She wondered, briefly if Vernon could go a few sentences without mentioning the bank. "That's right, Vernon! I forgot you worked at the bank. That's wizard!"

"Lily!" Petunia squealed, causing Vernon to jump, his fat rolls jiggling and his double chins warbling disgustingly. Her sister cleared her throat. "Could I speak to you for a moment please?"

"Of course, Tuney. Don't worry folks, we'll be back in a spell." Lily got up reluctantly and followed her sister into the kitchen from the dining room. She'd barely crossed the threshold when her sister whipped around, a menacing frown on her face.

"If you do not quit it with that funny business, I will..."

Lily raised her eyebrows and smiled at her sister. "What? Make me a bridesmaid in your wedding? Force me to wear a hideous dress that doesn't go with my complexion?"

"...I'll tell mum that I don't want you there."

"And what will she say to that, Tuney?" Lily sneered as she used her childhood nickname for her sister. "She's already disappointed about how far apart we've grown. Why don't you break her heart some more while you're at it?" Lily fought to keep her voice at a stage whisper, but her temper was rising.

Petunia sighed angrily, but bit back a retort. "Could you just behave _yourself_ for once? Everything is always better when you're not here."

"Wow, Tuney. Love you too, sis."

"Whatever. They're probably wondering what we're up to. Let's go." She ran her fingers through her hair quickly and strutted out of the room, leaving Lily to stand in the kitchen a few more moments to get a hold of her temper before walking out as well. She caught her parents' eyes and received a reprimanding look from her mum and a playful smile from her dad, which she returned hesitantly.

"So, Lily," Her mother spoke after she and Petunia had settled at the table again. "How are classes going this year?"

"Alright, mum. I'm top of the class in Po—chemistry," Lily cut her eyes towards Vernon, who, thankfully wasn't paying attention to her at all, or if he was, couldn't care less about her almost slip-up. Even after all this time, she wasn't used to having to hide everything about herself from muggles. "And all of my other classes are going well, I s'ppose."

"Mother," Petunia spoke up over her sister. "Have we heard back about the quartet?"

"I contacted their manager this morning, sweetheart. They said they have an opening for July 23. But they won't take song requests until three months before the wedding."

"Well I hope that's enough time to perform perfectly," Petunia huffed. Lily held in a frustrated groan and tuned out her mother, sister, and Vernon as the conversation turned to the wedding, picking at her food. Sometimes, Lily was positive that Petunia did this just to upset her. Her sister had taken over the conversation from the moment Lily had gotten off the train at King's Cross, and now that her parents had actually tried to ask about her life, she'd imposed again. Part of Lily knew she was being immature as she stewed in anger during dinner, but she couldn't really bring herself to care at the moment. She stood up abruptly, causing everyone to look over at her, startled. "I'd like to be excused, please."

"Of course, dear," Her mother had said, but Lily didn't even wait for her to stop talking before she ran up the stairs of her house into her room. She paced for a bit, trying to release the frustrations that Petunia caused her, but ended up flopping down on the bed. Where she stayed for about two seconds. She'd been lounging about all of winter break, and she was sick of it. She got up and flipped through her cassette tapes until she found the one she was looking for, and quickly played it. Within seconds happy tunes began blaring out of the speakers, and she was able to lie back down on her bed and sing along. "_Do you believe in magic in a young girl's heart/ how the music can free her whenever it starts/ and it's magic if the music is groovy..."_

Lily could hear Petunia's frustrated grumble from downstairs and smiled to herself.

The next day, Lily awoke to tapping at her window. She let in three owls with letters attached to their feet, all with her name in different writing. The letters from Alice and Marlene held the usual: brief explanations about how they were doing, how much they missed her, and what they got for Christmas. Alice was traveling in France with her parents, who were some sort of delegates with the Ministry in England and had business with the French Ministeré. Lily rolled her eyes as she read how Alice loved Paris, but felt that the 'true atmosphere of the city was lost on her without Frank Longbottom there to share it with her'. Marlene, on the other hand, wrote detailed explanations of the bars she'd frequented while visiting family friends in Ireland. If nothing else, Lily thought, she could live vicariously through her friends. She wrote out short replies to both girls, trying to leave out most of her whining about Petunia, before turning to open the last letter. This owl, a tawny, regal horned owl, flew off right away without waiting for a reply. Lily looked at the letter in her hands, realizing that she could tentatively identify the sender by the rushed and semi-illegible scrawl.

"Evans," It read, "Just wanted to check in. I heard ol' Voldemort was blowing up some muggle train stations last week. Not that I know where you live or anything, but seems to me that no one in the muggle world is safe at the mome. Be careful. " She didn't exactly know what to make of Potter these days. They'd drifted into a careful acquaintance, as if they knew that one wrong step in either direction would set either one of them off. But no matter how she felt about him, she did appreciate the fact that he seemed to worry about these attacks on muggles. She knew many pureblooded wizards weren't as compassionate.

"Mom," Lily asked fretfully over dinner. She wanted to talk to her parents about Potter's letter before she headed back to school, and she didn't have very long to do so. "Those train stations that were bombed over by Parks and Sixth, did you know anyone who was hurt or killed?"

Her mother nodded solemnly. "I believe one of your father's coworkers was coming home from work when the explosions occurred. Thank god he was working overtime that day." She shuddered, and Lily held back a wince, feeling her face drain of blood. "It's quite tragic, isn't it?" She asked.

"It is," Lily stuttered. "But, Mom, it's just..." Petunia came in the room then, glaring at Lily and asking her mother if the caterers had contacted her recently about some sort of special food. She groaned. Her father took the train sometimes, more frequently now that they were all trying to save money. She needed to talk to her family, and she needed to do it soon.

Soon didn't exactly happen, though. The two weeks of break flew by, with all the wedding planning and Lily's room-hiding. She tried to talk to Petunia once or twice, but was always met with cold apathy. It wasn't until her parents were dropping Lily back off at the platform that she turned to them determinedly. "Mum. Dad," She cleared her throat. "Before I go, I need to tell you something." She looked at her watch, noticing that she only had a few minutes until the express left and she was stuck there.

"There's a man...he's been terrorizing the wizard world. He thinks he's God or something. He's the one who's been bombing the train stations. He..." she became distracted when she heard clattering coming from one of the platforms below them. Turning her face away from her parents, she saw people in black robes in the distance and the brightly colored lights flashing beneath her and in front of her. Her heart stopped when she saw green, and she felt cold terror slice through her body. "No, no, no. Not here."

"What's wrong, sweetie?" Her mom looked at her, a wrinkle forming between her eyebrows. She obviously didn't notice what was going on behind them. She probably just thought the noises were another train. She hadn't seen the menacing figures coming towards her.

"We have to leave, we have to run." Lily turned towards the brick wall behind her and gripped her parents' hands. "Run with me. Don't stop!" She yelled, sheer panic dripping in her voice. They protested, but Lily dragged them behind her, adrenaline giving her extra strength. She snuck a look behind her and saw a death eater—that's what they called themselves—coming towards them, wand raised. There were only a few steps to go. Lily slid through the wall, still dragging her parents behind her, and then she was jerked backwards. Pain slashed at her hands and she involuntarily opened them, falling to the floor of Platform 9 ¾ , the hard concrete scraping and banging her knees. Oblivious to the pain, she turned around and ran back at the wall, slamming into it repeatedly. It couldn't be closed. She had minutes left. That should have been long enough. She should have been fast enough. The death eaters must have charmed it closed when they saw her running for it. She beat the wall with her fists, not even noticing when they became raw and bloody. "No," she whispered over and over again. She couldn't believe it had happened. Was happening. "Help please," She pleaded quietly. "Help!" Shouting now. "My god, those are my parents, help!" Her voice, reaching almost inhuman decibels, finally drew a crowd of people, but she was too frantic to tell them what had happened. She kept pounding at the wall. She took her wand out of her boot where she'd stashed it that morning and uttered a spell that was supposed to crush rocks. She uttered a spell that was supposed to transform object into butterflies. She screamed a spell that was made to cause explosions, uncaring that she would have been close enough to be hurt. She tried anything that could come to her mind, but she knew it wouldn't work. They had planned for this. She collapsed, shrinking inside of herself. She didn't realize when a boy broke through the crowd, confused at first, and then horrified. She was on the verge of unconsciousness when that boy picked her up, crooning her name over and over again and whispering promises in her ear that she couldn't comprehend. And as she turned into his chest, she simply let it go and let sleep take her, if only for a short time.

* * *

><p>Lily sat up in bed. "I have to help them!" She shouted with her first gasping breath. Before she knew it, she was out of bed and running towards...she didn't know. Last thing she knew, actually, she was in a train station. In London. Not in the infirmary at Hogwarts. She was breathing heavily, and she was disoriented, and all she wanted to do was leave. So she did. She snuck out of the infirmary and down to the fourth level, where she knew of exactly two abandoned classrooms. It was a wonder no one saw her on her way there, but she managed it unnoticed. Once there, she curled up under the professor's desk, ignoring the spider webs that clung there. She balled up her hands to her chest, which she had just realized were bandaged and possibly still bleeding. She spared a short thought to wonder how she'd write now, but then she remembered how her hands had gotten to be that way, and nothing seemed to matter anymore. She didn't have any hope that her parents were still alive. Voldemort's lackeys had seen them with her, and they had ways of knowing if someone was a pureblood or not, or so they said. Besides, her parents were so obviously muggle that she was sure they never had a chance. She just wasn't sure how to process it, the knowledge that her parents were there, hugging her, holding her hands, and then gone in an instant. She didn't want to process it, but all she could think about was their confused and terrified faces when they'd seen how spooked she was. She only hoped that they didn't suffer. She knew the killing curse was one of the more kind deaths that those monsters gave people.<p>

She wasn't sure how long she'd been under that desk, but eventually she heard a voice behind her. "Alright, Evans?" Someone said. _Potter_, she thought acidly. _Just like him to show up when I'm at my complete worst._ She didn't answer. "Lily, I know you're in here. The entire school's in a riot. Dumbledore's almost fired a nurse for letting you sneak out." Lily snorted. It was a small, soft sound, but Potter heard it anyway and moved towards it. She felt more than saw him looming over her and huddle more deeply under the desk. "Hey," He said.

She looked up almost involuntarily and did a double take. He looked the same as ever, messy hair, glasses, and a smile, but the smile was small and sad, not the crooked smirk that she was used to. "Hi," Lily said, her voice broken and thick with emotions and scratchy from screaming.

"You know, Evans, you'll get through this. It'll get better."

"I didn't lose my dog, Potter, I lost my family!"

"Ya, I know. And that sucks. But you can't give up. And you can't sit around in dusty, empty classrooms to hide from the world."

"You don't know anything about what I'm going through! You still have a family!"

He sat down on the floor across from her and stared her in the eyes. Not angry, but intense. "I do. For now. But my parents have been called out to help with the resistance. Do you know what I was doing all Christmas break? Practicing hexes and attack spells with my father. Do you know what I saw when my father tried to take me to a Quidditch game? The green lights flashing and people falling down, the ground shaking with stampeding people. It was like a goddamn earthquake," he closed his eyes and shook his head. Lily copied his gesture, reliving the awful moments before she ran through the wall to platform 9 ¾ alone. She knew what he was talking about: the lights, the shaking, the screaming. She wasn't sure she'd ever be able to get those images off of her mind. "So, no, I don't know what you're going through, but I fear it every single day."

Lily had to admit that she was shocked. She wasn't sure Potter could ever hold a serious conversation, but here he was. "What do I do?" She whispered. It wasn't really meant to be answered, or heard, but he answered it anyway.

"Be brave. Fight back," he said, his eyes going distant. She wasn't sure if he was still talking to her or if he was trying to convince himself, but she thought that in this circumstance, he might have been right. That maybe that's the only thing that she could do.

* * *

><p>Lily didn't ask any of her friends to come to the funeral with her. She knew they would have come to support her, but she didn't want to upset Petunia. And, Lily thought in some twisted manner, that having a completely muggle funeral was even more important because of her parents' magical deaths. The Knight bus took her to Cokeworth in the early morning, exactly a week after her parents had been murdered. Lily walked into the house that she'd shared with her parents and stopped in the doorway. Her home had always felt warm and welcoming, but she felt her parent's absence like a chill. The small house had brought cheer with it, even when she'd felt separated from her family, now the blue and grey tones and shadows she saw over everything tinted her happy memories to melancholy ones. She imagined that perhaps this is what the presence of a dementor felt like. She resisted the urge to punch something, staring down at her still-scabby hands blankly instead.<p>

The funeral was worse than she thought it'd be. Her entire family showed up, as they should. Her mother was an only child, but her father had three siblings, who escorted her feeble grandparents gently into the cemetery, where her parent's coffins lay above the freshly dug graves. Coworkers and a few family friends made appearances as well, giving the sisters their condolences. Petunia was stoic, as always, but Lily saw a single tear track down her face as she held on tightly to Vernon, who looked more like he had indigestion than he looked sad. Lily refused to cry. She'd been doing too much of that lately. Besides, her parents had always called her strong. Wasn't it her job, then, to be strong one last time?

Lily spoke at the funeral. "My father told me once that if, God forbid, I ever had to speak at his funeral, he didn't want me to wax poetic about his death." The paper she held in her gloved hands seemed to crinkle loudly in the silence as she fought to keep her voice strong and devoid of emotion. "Death is ugly, and we aren't here to remember that. We're here to remember the beautiful, messy, and utterly too short lives of my parents. An inventor once wrote, 'We must not demean life by standing in awe of Death'." Lily took a deep breath, forcing herself to think of runes instead of the two black boxes that sat in front of her. "Samuel and Elise Evans were the best parents I could have hoped for. They were so full of life, that they inspired everyone around them. My parents loved my sister and me with every shred of their being. They loved every person they welcomed into our home as their own. I only hope that if I can take nothing from how they lived their lives, it's how they loved." She closed her eyes for just a moment before going to stand next to Petunia, who cowered even closer to Vernon.

The will was read right after the funeral, because everyone knew Lily had to go back to her 'posh boarding school'. Lily's first thought was to drop out of Hogwarts to help Petunia before realizing that that was stupid. Petunia had Vernon to take care of her now. Lily had no one. It was no surprise that the house was given to Petunia. Lily had expected it, even approached her father a few years ago, when she'd gone through her morbid phase. Lily, instead, had gotten a small amount of money and a wrapped present that her family had been waiting to send for her upcoming birthday. She almost laughed at the sight of the cheery paper demanding that she 'PARTY!', as if she could have a happy birthday anytime soon. Anytime ever from now on, really. After the lawyer had left, Lily turned to Petunia, tears finally filling her eyes, though she still forbade them to fall. She held her arms out to her sister and took a step forward. "Tun-"

"It's your fault," Petunia said coldly, quietly. "This is all your fault."

Lily shook her head automatically while she comprehended what her sister had just said. The words swirled through her mind like an icy wind, emptying it of every other thought. As her outstretched hands fell to her sides, she realized that those were the exact words she'd not allowed herself to think since what had happened at Kings Cross. Whatever shortcomings Petunia had, she wasn't a liar. She hadn't even told Petunia the whole story, but somehow, she knew. Lily was the reason they'd been at King's Cross. Lily hadn't been fast enough, or strong enough or clever enough to save her parents. Lily was the magical one, and she wasn't magic enough to save her parents. It was her fault.

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><p>James felt like he was dying under the cloak. He knew Lily would hate him if she ever found out that he'd gone to her parents' funeral, but he couldn't help it. He had to make sure that she would be okay. He saw her eyes, tired and sad, but still strong as she stood through the ceremony and the reading of the will. He thought that maybe she was the strongest person he'd ever known. He saw that strength drain out of her when her sister turned on her. He saw the pain take over her expression as her body seemed to freeze into ice. Where once, she looked so warm and welcoming, she now looked empty, cold, and hollow. "Goodbye, Petunia," He heard her whisper. He saw her walk away, signal for the night bus and leave calmly, but he could tell that she was broken. He'd studied her enough to detect her feelings through her eyes. Now, he could see the emptiness in those glassy green eyes.<p>

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><p>Lily's life went on. She went out with Hugh, or Avery from Gryffindor (not that bastard from Slytherin), or that boy from Hufflepuff. She spent time with Alice and Frank or Remus, or studied in the library, sometimes alone, sometimes not. She didn't tell anyone about her dreams. About the streaks of green light that hit her parents, herself, or her friends. Or the dreams where the death eaters stood over her and laughed while they threw hexes at her, tortured her and several other people. She started using <em>Silencio<em> on herself before she went to bed, so no one would be woken up by her nightmares. She stayed up as late as possible, hoping that when she finally fell asleep, she'd be too exhausted to dream. That rarely worked, but she kept at it for those rare times. She'd been studious before, to the extent where people would have said that she was obsessed, but she became even more so. If she kept herself busy with school, she didn't have as much time to think. Outwardly, the only real difference from before, at least at Hogwarts, was James. Ever since he'd found her in the abandoned classroom, he was nice to her. Which she hated. And he hadn't annoyed her in a long time, which made her feel pitied. She didn't want his pity; it reminded her of what she'd lost.

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><p>James's life changed. He still felt like the easy-going prankster he'd always been, but he felt more serious. The war was coming, and he had to be ready to do his part. In his dreams, he still saw those people falling down, dead. He could still hear screams of those who weren't as lucky. And he still relived watching Lily falling down at platform 9 34, defeated, angry, alone. He still saw her standing alone at her parent's funeral when he closed his eyes. He saw how tired she looked these days, and he'd noticed how she'd done her best to make sure that she was never _not _doing anything. He'd decided that maybe Remus had been right, that Lily didn't need pranks and sassy comebacks, that maybe she just needed someone to be there for her. And James would be damned if he wouldn't do his best to be that person.

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><p>Lily held it in until March. They were studying for an exam and he was just being too nice and she couldn't take it anymore. So she flipped feeling all of the anger and angst she'd felt since her parents died being dredged up from where she'd buried it deeply. "What's wrong with you?" She yelled. He looked up at her with wide, confused eyes.<p>

"What?"

"You-you can't just sit there and be all nice and sincere all the time. It's not okay."

"Evans calm down." James said, astonished.

"Don't you dare tell me what to do, Potter," Good. They were getting back to comfortable territory. Fighting was easy with him. And though a little voice in her head told her that just about anything was easy with him, she told herself that the yelling and fighting was much better than the nice. "You told me to move on. But how can I move on when you're treating me differently?"

"What do you want me to do, Lily?" He was shouting now to, and the librarian was glaring at them.

"I don't know! Be normal! Make inappropriate jokes! Try to make me jealous with all the girls who come home. Prank me and my friends to make me mad. Just don't be so-so damned kind all the time!"

Potter stared at her for a long while, and then started laughing, which made her angry, and then happy because he was doing something that made her angry with him again. "You want me to terrorize you again?"

"Yes, god, yes. Just please don't be so nice."

"I can do that," James said, seeming distracted.

"Good," Lily said. She looked down at her book, feeling some sort of relief flood her body, though she tried not to let it show. "Shall we continue?"

James nodded at her. "Just be warned, Evans. Angry yelling is how angry kissing starts." she smacked him for the innuendo and then laughed, because maybe, finally, things were getting back to normal.

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><p><strong>Author's Note<strong>: This is how I feel to be done with this chapter: . /9b6e84f5cb46d71df2485135d9193cf5/tumblr_mvbh3lfbnU1qhxc3po1_

Thanks for staying with me guys! You are all my heroes. All of you. (If you noticed, this chapter is longer than the other ones because I felt bad for the sadness. I want to write Jily fluff, but it's hard to stay cannon without at least incorporating the war sometime. ) Also you may begin to note how much I love puns...it's a thing, guys. Anyway, review if you please. Reviews are almost as much appreciated as panera bread bowls.

Also: Shout out to Nikki, who is a beautiful human being and betas for me while working full time and studying for finals. Seriously guys, she's a champ.

**iceandfire105**: Bahaha! I know, Sirius is definitely oblivious to life at the moment. Or he's just being an ass. And of course James is an idiot, but we love him. ;) (also not that i support reading fanfiction in class, but I totally do it ALL the time. You are not alone)


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